Game 2: Battle Of The Beasts (Part One)

BOARS v RHINOS, The John Innes Theatre Of Dreams, Sunday, May 5th 2019

Ah, the Interclub game; it must be as old as the game itself. Sometimes it’s well attended, and sometimes it isn’t; my first Merton Interclub was an eight-a-side affair on a freezing September Sunday. Last year’s, by sharp contrast, was a three-team T20 jamboree played on a warm, sunny Sunday, that was celebrating the fact we had three Sunday teams. Now it’s two, as a large group of Sunday players have switched to playing on Saturdays instead, and so the Sunday Interclub was back to the traditional two-team battle.

My Boars team had changes to make, but it was more like the team that will play week in, week out. Last week, for our win over Kingstonians, we had Paul “The Wall” and Rob J as honorary Boars; today, they would be in the Rhinos, the team more suited to them. In came Johnny M, “The Steriliser”, AB, Rob “Aaaargh” Turner (that’s his pirate cry when he appeals for lbw, not him in pain), Sam “The Wyld Thing” - fresh from cluttering up an A&E department on the Bournemouth tour after one lager shandy too many – and the return of the Dark Lord himself, Bob, after 18 months out of the game. “Killer” Smither was back too, full of recommendations to watch the new Ted Bundy film, prowling around the boundary, looking for fresh victims and painting a red ‘X’ on their kit bags.

The Rhinos were stocked with talent, and a look at their bowling attack caused a few Boars to check their life insurance. Tom had, at his disposal, the fastest bowlers in one attack for many a year. It was a bit like watching “Fire In Babylon”, the film about West Indies cricket under Clive Lloyd and Viv Richards, only with pale people. But they could rightly claim to be the new “Nasty Fasties”; Matt Kidd was “Whispering Death”; Sam “Widowmaker” Egan would be “Grinning Death”; Iain Evans “Northern Death”; Rob Jordan “Antipodean Death”; and Tom himself would be “Rubbish Football Team-Supporting Death” (aka “The Solihull Slasher”). On the batting front, Jack and Arjun joined newcomer Andrew C and Ben “Austrian International” D to bolster their ranks, and with James P fresh from compiling a new list of Christmas cracker jokes to unleash on us all, our bowlers would have to be on top of their game to winkle them out.

None of us knew how the first home pitch of the season would play as well, with some of us having suffered at the hands of Grinning Death in the past; it would certainly be green, and I was hoping the previous day’s rain would draw a little of the sting out of their bowling.

The toss was drawn; Tom and I had a gentlemen’s agreement that we would bowl first, to ensure everyone had a full game (as events would transpire later, a good call). For the second week in a row, we were playing under lead-grey skies that brought a slicing wind to swirl around the John Innes Bowl; even in the pre-match warm-up (which is usually some of us dropping catches) some noses were already turning red with cold. The sight of Bob lighting up a Rothmans as he took up residence at first slip was a sight to stir the memory, but he was also keeping his fingers warm too. Maybe I should get all the Boars to start smoking when the weather’s cold.

It was Rob and Kaleem who opened the bowling and Jack and Paul who opened the batting, and an intriguing contest ensued. Tight bowling and excellent Boars fielding meant the openers were mainly restricted to singles, but they were still managed four runs an over. Jack, in particular, was finding his way to the boundary blocked by the panther-like performances of Killer and Jake, who’d spent the second half of the previous season regularly saving the Boars thirty runs an innings with his fielding excellence. Also, fine drives that - in July - would have raced for four were slowing and stopping in grass thicker than a Love Island contestant, and fours were being cut off for two runs only. Perhaps frustrated by events, Jack was first to go, bowled by “Special K” as he attempted a cut shot to the smaller boundary on off stump. That brought Arjun to the crease, and he too was finding the right shots but his way to runs blocked by determined Boars fieldwork. Paul, meanwhile, was finding the odd single to stop himself getting too bogged down; every now and then he would slam an on-drive to the boundary to demonstrate he had the power to go with his patience.

A bowling change brought Sam “hold my liver” Wyld to the Clubhouse End, partnered by Killer – who, on the aforementioned Bournemouth tour, had been the one to transport Sam’s liver to the mightily-impressed NHS staff of A&E – came on at the Kingston Road End. It was Killer who struck immediately, getting Arjun to drive big; unfortunately, he got the height but not the distance, and Rob steadied himself to take the catch. Ben D – I’ll call him “The Druid”, as that is how one of the oppo teams actually wrote his name into the scorebook last year – came out to meet Paul, and for the next ten overs it was slow, steady progress; that was, though, after The Druid had slapped his first ball to just inside the Cannon Hill Lane boundary for three runs. Killer then came agonisingly close to removing Paul “The Wall”, after he chipped a return catch the height of Killer’s boot laces. He did well to get down to it, but couldn’t hold on. It required the kind of physical bending motion that would have most of us screaming for a tube of Voltarol for the lower back, but it was nevertheless a fine effort. The Wall had survived. Bawny, at mid-off, then fielded a sharp drive from Paul with a section of his anatomy lower than his stomach and higher than his knees, and we were all impressed that he got straight up without rubbing the injured part and wasn’t speaking in a squeaky voice (some of us had winced on impact). It was a great stop that, quite literally, took balls.

Drinks came and went; some pleaded for Bovril and coffee. The temperature hadn’t risen past eleven degrees for most of the time we’d been out there, but there was a warm glow emanating from the Boars performance so far. This talented Rhinos team were only 73-2 at drinks, and were probably expecting to have scored a lot more. We’d shown patience and bravery in the field for the second week in a row…but Paul was still there, chipping away, anchor stuck in the sea bed, an immovable object.

Once he’d retracted his scrotum from out of his throat and put it back where it should be, Bawny took over from the unlucky Sam – who’d bowled very well with no reward – and immediately had The Druid in trouble. After an lbw appeal was turned down, Bawny finally trapped him in front, and the Rhinos were 74-3. That brought new player Andrew to the wicket, who understandably was very watchful against Bawny after a few years away from the game. Time and again, Bawny almost struck again as every ball landed on a great length. At the other end, Johnny M – “The Steriliser” – had replaced Killer, for his first bowl since February, when an incident involving a skateboard and a hard concrete floor had put his lower arm in a cast for a number of weeks. His first couple of overs demonstrated his rust, but he was soon in his stride and bowling well; smooth run-up, good pace, and the ball in the right area.

Then, Bawny struck again, getting one to fizz through Andrew’s defences to shatter the stumps. It was a wicket-maiden; he had 2-2 off four overs, and the Rhinos were being steadily strangled of runs. Patience brings reward, and Paul finally reached his fifty. Without him, the Rhinos would’ve been in big trouble, but we’d found him a hard nut to crack…that is, until The Steriliser bowled an over that turned the innings firmly in our favour. With the fourth ball of his fifth over, he finally got pierced Paul’s armour and bowled him; The Steriliser was ecstatic. That brought Grinning Death, Sam E, to the crease; a man known to put the ball into the road when he feels like it. But two balls later, an almighty heave to the Cannon Hill Lane boundary only succeeded in ballooning up over his head, looping through the air to the slips, where the sprightly AB – who’d also excelled himself in the field – held on to a tumbling catch. The Steriliser brought out his trademark Death Stare (copyright: Johnny M), and the Rhinos were suddenly rocking at 111-6.

James P, unrecognisable in clean white kit, and Matt K took up residence at the crease, and found the returning “Dark Lord” Bob ready to bowl at them, having taken over from Bawny. The last time he’d bowled, he’d suffered a shoulder injury and was coming in off three paces. This time, he was off his longer run-up and generating pace and length that made every ball one to think about. In his second over, JP became his first victim; having faced three balls down the leg-side, the fourth arrowed in on off-stump and found its target. In the next over, from the other end, Special K returned and bowled a lovely in-swinger to castle Rob J. 125-8 became 129-9 as Bob dismissed Matt K, and he almost helped Kaleem pick up another wicket with a diving effort at first slip that popped into his hands and popped back out again. The damage was minimal, however; Rob “Deadshot” T, who’d characterised every lbw appeal with the pirate cry of “Aaaaargh!” that we’d all join in with, returned to take over from Kaleem and struck with his second ball, bowling Iain “Northern Death” Evans. It was the 38^th over, the shell-shocked Rhinos had been bowled out for 135, and we’d taken their last six wickets for 24 runs. Of the bowlers, only the unlucky Sam W didn’t take a wicket, and they’d all played their part in us needing a little over three runs an over to win the contest.

A lovely tea came and went – the Jaffa Cakes went a little quicker than everything else – and so Jake and I went out to open our innings. We knew what we were in for: pace, and lots of it. So far, though, the pitch had proved to be a little docile in terms of awkward bounce (only Rob T had gone one ball to truly rear up unexpectedly to the height of the batsman’s head), but we were still needing to be watchful. Tom opened up against me, and until I stepped about two feet outside my crease, had me in trouble – I got off the mark with an uncertain edge through where a fourth slip would probably have been standing. Jake opened up against Iain, a pacy, skiddy bowler who gives you nothing, who opened with a maiden over.

So, we were very tentative in the first four overs, nicking singles where we could. Me striding out of the crease finally paid off when I thumped Tom high over mid-on for a four that only just made it to the long-on boundary; I then managed to put his full-toss into the fence and repeated the trick against Iain by hitting him into Rutlish school. I then tried one drive too many off Tom, though, and just as Jake and I had taken the score to 24-0 in the seventh over, I inside-edged him onto my stumps. The rest of Iain’s spell was metronomic; after I hit him for six, there were only two scoring strokes off his bowling. Grinning Death replaced Tom and opened up with a maiden; AB was the batsman, and couldn’t lay a glove on Sam’s pace. Iain got his reward an over later by bowling Jake, and Sam shattered AB’s stumps moments later to make it 27-3. Aleem, facing Rob J, played for out-swing that never came, and shouldered arms to one that sent the bails into the slips; Matt K found the edge of Bob’s bat, and Arjun calmly took the catch. We were 40-5 and fading quickly, but the bowling had been excellent. Every ball was on the money, and they’d given away not a single short ball, full toss, wide or no-ball. No freebies were coming our way, and I was quick to remind the Boars that we wouldn’t be facing this quality of bowling for the rest of the season.

At drinks, we were 41-5; Bawny had been in a while, and hanging around valiantly; one ball from Rob J changed all that, though, and Arjun took his second catch of the innings. Matt K then picked up his second wicket, Wyld caught Allen, to have figures of 2-1 from three overs. Then came the partnership known as the “Packet Of Two”; the Johnnies that always perform. And perform they did: Killer and Steriliser, batting in perfect harmony, mixed aggression with defence and compiled the second-highest, and most entertaining, stand of the innings. Johnny M finally hit our first boundary for twenty overs by thumping Matt K to long-on; Killer then joined the fun and hit a four of his own. All good things must come to an end, and Rob J got one through to clean up The Steriliser. Four balls later, Killer provided Matt K with his third wicket by snicking to Jack behind the stumps. The Johnnies, although not ripped off after use and thrown into the bushes for the foxes to sniff around, were back in the pavilion.

Rob and Kaleem opened the match by opening the bowling, and now they were to close the match by providing the last stand. Rob looked really good with the bat, playing out to the covers and looking rarely troubled, but with the score on 68 Sam E brought proceedings to a close with a caught and bowled to dismiss Kaleem. We’d lost by sixty-seven runs and had the tables well and truly turned on us, but there’s no disgrace in being dismissed for a low score by a bowling attack like that. All five bowlers took wickets, all conceded no more than two or three runs per over, and we’d only hit five boundaries in the 30.3 overs we’d faced. It had been a fascinating game, dominated by bowling and fielding, with cricket as the winner.

Merton was also the winner too, so technically the Boars didn’t really lose!

Part Two of this “Battle of the Beasts” will close out the season, in a little under five months from now. The skies will be grey, the air will be cold, and the grass will be long. All of these things can be guaranteed; I’m hoping a similarly-keen contest can be guaranteed too.